It's not a Meltdown, it's a Tantrum

Yesterday was not a good day. I ended up in the ER after a major hive reaction to antibiotics and Fred had to stay with Grandma. 


Now, my mother is a tiny lady who isn't much bigger than Fred and Fred treats her like she is not an adult and bullies her. 

It was major chaos here when I got home with Grandma locked in her room and Fred having a major tantrum in his room. The cats were all hiding and my little dog was cowering under the covers in my bed.

Fred had broken his bed jumping on it and thrown all of his stuff everywhere. Just imagine all the legos on this table along the cars and superhero action figures. All the books from his shelf were everywhere, it was a large mess. Fred was yelling at the top of his lungs that life isn't fair and everyone hates him that he hates his life. He was "jump-stomping" (that's jumping with both feet in one spot) and he had the whole house shaking. 

Fred's "thing" with Grandma is making her feed him non-stop and yesterday, when she gave him his snack and told him no more he got angry. One of the things we have been working on is Fred's treatment of Grandma when I am gone and how she needs to respond to it. Because first and foremost it is very rude and inappropriate for Fred to bully Grandma. He will physically push her and scream at her to do what he wants her to do. This is a behavior that has just began since April and has gotten out of hand. Secondly, bullying someone smaller than yourself is just plain wrong. I want my son to grow up respectful of women and his elders and to be nice to others weaker than himself. Grandma has been coached to give Fred snacks by the clock. (wake-9am is breakfast, 10am is snack, 12pm is lunch, 3pm is snack, 5-6pm is dinner) and when it isn't time tell him so and go on. Fred isn't used to that yet and thus began the tantrum.

 
We have been using the card that he has written the 4 important skills he needs to learn on. We keep it handy on the table where we can refer to them as needed. Here they are, in this picture, in his own handwriting.

They are:
1. Follow Instructions
2.Take "No" for an answer
3. Accept Consequences
4. Disagree Appropriately

When Fred realized I came home he came out of his room and started yelling at me how mean his Grandma is and he is starving. I looked at the clock and it was past his snack time. I asked him if he had his snack at snack time to which he replied, "Yes, but I am still hungry". I know his snack was snack sized and not meal sized, it's not supposed to be. We were about 45 minutes from dinner at this point. I asked him to look at the clock and tell me if it was one of his meal or snack times. To which he replied no. 

Then, Grandma came out and told me what transpired and that she had sent him to his room because he was out of control. Since he was still belligerent and obviously not in control of himself I asked him what his 4 things he was learning were and he spouted them off. I asked him if he was following instructions, he said no. I asked him if he was taking "no" for an answer, he said no. I asked him if he was accepting consequences, he said no. I asked him if he was disagreeing appropriately, he said no. I then told him to go back to his room. The tantrum began again and went on for the next hour as he kept coming out and I asked him his questions while I cooked dinner. He would yell and go back into his room and throw something and do a jumpstomp and I knew he was still not in control of himself.

I want you to know that I did not yell and I did not give in. I am determined that this child will grow up learning this base foundation. I read so many things about fasd kids grow up not learning base social skills and then they end up in prison because of it. I just want to give my child every chance of a great life. I thought of it this way; did you ever have a record player as a child? I did, and when a record was damaged and playing and coming to the spot where it was about to skip if you just put a little pressure on the arm and pushed on the needle a wee bit to get it to stay in the groove instead of jumping out and going it's own way you could eventually get the skip worn out and have it playing music all the time without the disturbance. I think for the fasd brain it's the same way. Keep on the same track until that track is worn in and they are playing beautiful music.

After a while it was quiet in his room and I asked him if he was in control of himself. He said Yes. I said good, now here come the consequences: Pick up all your things and put them away... and he did. We then talked about why he was sent to his room, why he couldn't come out of his room until he changed what he was doing, why he had to pick up his room all by himself. When he is calm he can be rational and make good choices but when he is angry/upset/hungry he just reacts. We talked about the difference in the things that he is allowed to do depending on his choice of behavior; play freely or sit in his room. I am hoping these tools we are implementing will help us shorten the time between reacting and purposefully acting.

After dinner he apologized to Grandma and she hugged him up. He took a shower, took his medicine and slept all night.

Here is the book the therapist recommended: A House United: Changing Children's Hearts and Behaviors by Teaching Self Government

Peace,

Fred's Mom

PS: the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum is that they can't stop a meltdown but they can stop a tantrum to talk to you before they go on with it again.